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Chronicles of a StrangerHuang's Blog 11/14/2008 Eng v Aus RugbyCome on England!
Can't wait to watch this game, it should be epic. Lot of bad blood after the last World Cup when England, against all expectations, spanked the Aussies at the Quarter finals. Oh, and there's the small matter of 2003 as well.
It would be interesting to see how Martin Johnson's new England squad will perform. Jonny Wilkinson is injured (surprise, surprise) but in his place is Danny Cipriani. Definitely a highly talented player, but I'm yet to form an opinion in my head. I think his defence is suspect, especially compared to Jonny, but we shall see. Secondly, he's dating Kelly Brook, and that just kills it for me. He's trampling on my sacred teenage dreams!
 Kidding aside, I have my concerns that Stirling Mortlock will be exposing Cipriani's weakness in defense tomorrow at Twickenham. I just hope the English team will put in a good performance, regardless of the outcome. Otherwise, Mr. Johnson is going to have some 'words' for the boys.
9/16/2007 BreatheThe past week has been a strange one for me. I can't quite figure out why. I've gone through the whole host of emotions for no apparent reason. It's pretty bizarre.
I can't stop feeling like something is missing. I'm not depressed, quite the contrary in fact. I've been helping my best friends move into their new flat this week, spending time with close buddies, having a laugh, chilling... but I still get this feeling like I'm missing comething important. Can't figure out why... Maybe it's just the time of year. I'll probably post something worth reading a few days from now when I figure things out. My mind is in a slight disarray at the moment...
- Huang 8/12/2007 Stepping through the door...Those of you closest to me would probably have already heard this over two weeks ago, but to those of you who don't know, my grandfather passed away recently; on the 25th of July, at 9:15pm (GMT+8), peacefully, in his sleep.
To those of you who know me well, you will be aware that both my grandparents raised me from the time I was a baby till the time I was about three-and-a-half years old, when my grandmother passed away. To say that I was close to my grandparents would perhaps be an understatement; the family members I hold dearest to me being my parents, my brothers, and my maternal grandparents. So, to see my grandpa finally ascending to a better place was a bittersweet experience. On one hand, I couldn't be happier that he didn't have to suffer anymore and that he's reunited with grandma, but on the other hand, even now, it feels like one of the candles in my life has been extinguished.
But the whole ten days that I was back in KL, the last ten days that my grandpa was here on earth, has really brought about a change in me. Maybe not a drastic change, from an external viewpoint, but more of a subtle, yet very distinct, change in the way that I view the relationships and bonds that I've developed in life so far. I've realised quite a few things about myself, about my own outlook of life, and also the ways I have managed to somehow stray from my own personal principles, the way I've somehow gone a little bit awry, perhaps. And to think about it, it's really a paradigm shift in my personal life, the way I chose to lead my life, as opposed to a change in personality.
I've done a lot of silly things, a lot of stupid things, especially in the past year; things that, in the past, I've somehow managed to keep below the surface. I'm not proud of my actions, but I can't honestly say that I regret them either; I am who I am today because of the lessons learnt from these acts. In a way, I've acted upon and lived out a lot of the things I've always wanted to do (and really should have done in my 1st year of uni, had I been free to do so), but have been too afraid, or too repressed, in the past to have acted upon these urges. I think of it as getting things out of my own system, exorcising the demons, and through this, giving myself the best possible chance of success in my future endeavours.
Now I can say "Yeah, done that" to a whole host of things I'd always wanted to do. And that's a good thing. And now I no longer have that desire to fulfill those needs of the past. I've fed the desire, I've been there, I've done that. And at least I've got them out the way fairly early in life!
 I've written an honest, heartfelt bit of... Prose, I suppose... calling it Literature would be to stamp on the great works of true masters. So I suppose I've written a bit of prose, a collection of linked sentences really, in memory of my grandparents. It's just a recollection of my personal experience and memories of two people who mean the world to me. I won't post it here, but it's already up on my personal website; www.thkhoo.co.uk, located under the, quite pretentious, "literature" section.
I think I'm ready for everything that lies ahead of me, strong enough to face the ugly world that's out there. And I'm finally ready to give it my best shot; Do or Die - Life's too precious to remain idle.
And with that I'll sign off for now. Till my next post; God Bless.
- Huang 7/4/2007 Turning the pagesSo today I finally got my results; a 2.2 overall. I was a little bummed, to be honest, as I worked my arse off this year. It kinda showed though, as my examination results were hot! It's just that my project pretty much fucked me over. The part that sucks the most though, is the fact that the project failure wasn't my fault. Rather, it was the severe lack of funding, a one-track-minded supervisor who couldn't see reason and reality and the lack of facilities at Imperial.
You'd think that being in the best engineering school in the Europe, you'd have access to a rapid manufacturing facility and a liquid injection moulding machine... But you'd be wrong! The closest we have to a rapid manufacturing machine is a 2.5D CNC machine! I mean... "Come ON!" And to make matters worse, I have a quintessential academic as a supervisor... not an engineer, but one of those annoying academics, a person who never left the university stage of his life. So here I have this idealist... nay, idiot, that expects me to design, manufacture and test an MRI-compatible minimally invasive hyper-redundant robot... on a budget of under £200! But my appeals fall on deaf ears because the reasons my project failed was because the university itself was inadequate! I'm just glad I'm out of IC, and I totally understand why IC has no alumni network worth recognising.
Anyways, I know that I aced the papers this year, and I've got evidence of it, which is enough for me. =)
I called my parents, expecting them to be a little bummed as well, and I was pleasantly surprised by their reactions. They were genuinely happy and proud. And that moment was one of those special moments in my life. To know that I didn't disappoint my mum and dad, and that I did them proud. And to know that I did this not only for them, but for me as well.
After all, I have a Masters degree in Mechanical Engineering from Imperial College. Fuck grades, I've got a Masters in Mech Eng from the best engineering university in Europe! And I'm actually feeling pretty happy about that...
Peace Out;
- Huang (TH Khoo, MEng Hons ACGI DIC)
[ hehe, looks good doesn't it? =P ] 5/28/2007 One of those days, one of those moods...EDIT: Okay, now that I've written all this down, and a few hours have passed, I'm feeling a lot better now.
One of those days, one of those moods…
This weekend, my youngest brother came to visit me in London. He spent the entire weekend over at mine, from Saturday morning till Monday evening. And all I wanted to do was show him around London, have some fun, a couple drinks, etc... And I couldn’t, because I had to write my final report for my project.
And seeing my bro, just sorta reminded me so much of what I was like when I was in his place, back in Lower Sixth. And it shocked me how things have changed. So naïve, so wide-eyed and enthusiastic, so free of worries. And I can’t help but wonder; what’s happened to me in these four years in university? Where has my zest for life gone?
I saw my close friends at the start of my Easter break, spent a day on the barge, a night out on the town, had a lot of fun. And I can’t help but feel that I’ve thrown away so many years of my life working towards a degree I have no interest in doing. All I really wanted at the end of school was to pursue my love of music, to write and produce music. And in these four years I haven’t even written a single proper song. And when I try, it just feels forced now, like the creativity has been stifled.
Writing this god-damned report all day, I finally couldn’t take it. I rolled a cigarette, stepped out onto my balcony and took a long, slow drag on my cigarette. Standing there in my shorts and t-shirt, on my balcony, in the rain, enduring single digit temperatures, and having a smoke. Is this what my life has come down to? Has my four years of studying engineering at Imperial culminated to this?
I just feel like I was destined for greater things, I just always feel there's so much more that I’m capable of. But Imperial has just sapped every last ounce of my enthusiasm, every last shimmer of hope. The past four years studying Mechanical Engineering has felt like a shitty relationship that I couldn't get out of. It’s like trying to climb an eternal mountain using only my feet, like trying to run a 100 metre race on handstands.
To put so much blood, sweat and tears into doing something I hate, and getting a shit degree at the end of it, when I could’ve done something I enjoyed and aced it with so much less effort… I just have to ask myself, is the juice worth the squeeze?
I can’t remember the last time I was truly, truly happy for more than a few days. It’s probably when I was back in school, when things were exactly like I wanted them to be. And then life threw me a curveball, and I had blindfolds on. And now, it just seems like I’ve achieved nothing. I have all this knowledge that I’m not going to use. All this knowledge of a subject I have no intention of pursuing as a career.
And it’s times like these I just need someone special to tell me everything’s gonna be alright. Someone to just lend that helping hand, to give me a reason to go on. But I can’t find that someone, because I don’t have anyone like that in my life, because, now that I think about it, I’ve never had anyone like that. And I’ll probably be feeling better tomorrow, but right now, at this very moment, I’m just so pissed off with the world. But really, I’m just pissed off and disappointed in myself.
Sometimes I just feel like screaming, like giving up, because there’s nothing for me, because I’ve fucked up my own life so much that my dreams are beyond my reach now. I feel like my dreams are fated to remain nothing more than dreams, and that I will only be able to dream of them and never actually accomplish them. And it’s a horrible feeling.
I’m not the type to give up, and I never will be, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder if I’m fighting for nothing. If life is just one big “fuck you”. I’ve thrown away so many opportunities in the past, so many choices I made, adamant that I wouldn’t regret them, choices I now wish I had chosen differently.
I hate taking joy in the failures of others. I hate relishing the thought of other people’s shattered dreams, but it just seems that more and more, that’s the sort of joy I’m getting. Has my life really gotten so shitty, that the only happiness I can garner out of it is to watch others fall? Why can’t I feel happiness in my own successes any more? Why can’t I feel proud of my own accomplishments anymore?
Am I chasing perfection? Why can’t I just learn to appreciate what I have?
I don’t know...
I was always told as a child that the world was for the taking, if only I put my mind to it. And I have put my mind to it, but things never seem to work out as I plan them to.
I fear mediocrity. I see it everywhere, in the faces and souls of people all over the place. I know so many people who live pedestrian lives, back in KL, as well as here in England, and I don’t want that. I need something more. I need to live a life with no regrets.
And as usual, I’ll just plough on endlessly, hoping to catch that dream that’s just outside my reach right now.
- Huang 5/12/2007 the next chapterActually wrote this earlier today for my webby, but decided to post it here too.
The next chapter I look up at the sky, a light pattering of rain against my face, and dark rain clouds with beautiful silver linings. Not a sound anywhere but the muffled steps I take. The leaves on the trees sway silently with the gentle breeze, a cat lazily crosses the empty street, I look all around me, wondering, thinking… how did I get here? Four years ago, I lived in a whole different world; finishing my A-levels, eagerly awaiting the start of university. Out in the country, secure in my plans for the future, secure in the company of my friends, knowing exactly what I wanted in life. Fast forward to today, I’m walking home after watching the Rugby premiership finals, right after a great two hour workout at the gym. I walk this same journey everyday, on my way home from Imperial. My university life is finally drawing to an end. I’ve finished all the exams and it’s a short three weeks before my project will be handed in. I’ve met the greatest bunch of friends here, while in university. I’ve never felt happier or more relaxed and secured in myself, and yet, as I allow my mind to wonder, I find myself in a place that is so familiar and so foreign. I could never have imagined; when I had my entire life planned out ahead of me back in 6th form, that I would be where I am today. I’ve witnessed every one of my ‘dreams’ shattered in the past four years, every pillar of support that held up my teenage dream, crumbled to the ground. And the strangest thing is, I’m not the least bit upset, or regretful, that things turned out the way they did. People often use the clichéd line, that “Things always turn out for the better, one way or another” and I think there’s some truth behind it. Or maybe I’m blessed. Four years ago, I could never have imagined how much I’d grow. Things that I wanted four years ago hold no interest to me now. Things I thought were important back then, I now find trivial. And I’m sure a few years down the line, I’d look back at today and think to myself; “How naïve, how sheltered.” I think I’ve grown up enough now to allow every aspect of my personality to show, or maybe it’s because certain parts of my personality have grown or something, but I’m finally comfortable being who I am. I don’t feel the need to veil parts of my personality from different groups of friends or the need to become a different person depending on who I’m with. It’s only normal that people tend to behave differently depending on the company they’re with, and that’s fine. But I think, in the past, I would actually become another person, right down to the way I think. And that’s just plain scary, now that I think about it. The wind picks up slightly, as does the rain. And out here, in the strangely empty London streets, I feel free. I feel awake, and energized. I feel like I’m ready for the next great chapter of my life. I feel cleansed. I feel the rain soaking into my boxers. Doh! - Huang 4/1/2007 Week 1; Easter HolsSo, Easter holidays arrived last week, with 5 weeks to the start of exams. I decided to give myself three days off to recuperate, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Then once Tuesday came, I would go into my exam mode...so much for that! =)
Sat & Sun:
Chilled...
Mon:
Found out a friend was visiting, so I was out entertaining.
Tues:
Yet more friends turn up in London! Nice!
Wed:
Holy Schla-Moly! More friends turn up! Out again tonight.
Thurs:
Phew! Time to get some work done. Got through an entire (easy) subject today.
Fri:
Busy all day in Heathrow, watching some family friend's kids to ensure they get on the plane safely. Got home at 10pm, get a call from Ross. The Falcons are in town. FUCK YEAH!!
Sat:
Get a call from Ross in the morning. It's barging time! I plan to intercept them at Victoria Park. Got to Victoria Park at around 12:30. The barge pulls in about 15mins later. I am greeted by Ross, Jezz, Mark and Tim. Nostalgia... It's been over a year since I last saw these guys. The lads cracked open the beers at 12.00. Need to catch up! We decide to just moor up in Victoria Park, and have lunch. Beers are flowing. Lunch is served around 1:30ish. As soon as we're done with lunch, we slowly make our way down the canal towards Limehouse Basin.
We get held up for a good 45 minutes by another barge filling up their water supply at one of the locks. No worries, good drinking time. The sun is up, it's nice and warm. Only problem is the wind is rather chilly. No matter. We're off again soon enough, but we're already running a little low on beers. It's amazing how quickly 36+ beers can go!
On the way to Limehouse, we pass a council estate where a bunch of teenage yobs start yelling something, but they're all poor and uneducated and their verbal enunciation is horrific! None of us can understand what they're saying, so we just point and laugh at them. One of them tries to throw a stone but he's got a throw that even a girl will scoff at. I laugh and taunt him; "Good throw! You still missed!". We go pass another council estate and this time we go pass a bunch of 8-10 year old chavs. They shout something about 'wank us off' but again...the lack of any functional vocabulary obstructed any possible comprehension from that exchange. The little charvers run off behind some walls and 4 stones are thrown. All of them missed. Low-lifes and their stone-throwing...must be some throwback to their defective genetic material, what with all the in-breeding.
We pull into Limehouse at around...hmm...I'd say 5.30ish. Give or take 30mins. By now the beers are finished and we've hit the wine. Mark falls into the water, we all cheer! Someone always falls into the water. The sun is beginning to set and I decide to sit on the roof of the barge to enjoy the sunset. I'm joined by Ross and Tim and a load of snacks. Over five hours of solid drinking time clocked so far and we're beginning to feel the alcohol a little bit. Everyone takes their turn to use the showers, while the drinks continue to flow.
We hit the nearby shop to buy pasta and more alcohol for dinner, which is finally served at about 7.15ish. Dinner is tasty and the portions are big! Me and Ross and juggling our Wine and Cider at this point. Drinking Cider by choice, truly a West Country thing. We're all here to celebrate Mark's birthday after all, so we crack open the champagne. He turns 26. Old git! At this point, we're still waiting for Nick and Neil to arrive, so we decide to hit the vodka as well. Downing vodka, champagne, and more wine and cider at this point.
We leave the barge to go into Soho at about 8:30ish. A good eight hours of solid drinking. We're all well on our way. Nick and Neil arrive and we take the DLR to Bank and then catch the Central Line into Oxford Circus. We rendezvous with three of Mark's mates in Soho and start bar hopping. We eventually stumble into Bar Soho or something, which we swear must be some sort of gay bar, judging from the amount of times we got our arses grabbed, by both male and female! The bar/club was pretty much a sausage fest, though we did get the attentions of some rather nice females.
The quote of the night goes to Neil, with his fantastic description of the dance floor; "The few girls are in the centre, surrounded by a barrier of cock, which you must first penetrate in order to get to them." Pure Class!
Mark got a little kiss action, Ross as well, I chatted up some random but got nowhere, Neil had some interest coming his way, and Jezz crashed and burned.
We left the club at 3am, having spent a fortune on drinks. A good fourteen to fifteen hours of solid alcohol intake. We're all totally thrashed at this stage, but by now our bodies are immune to the physical effects of alcohol. It's just that our brains have disengaged from everything. We make our way into Chinatown and find the only place that's still open. We had to pay over a tenner per person for the pleasure, but in the end, it was worth it! Finally left Chinatown just after 4am. The lads climb into an illegal cab back to the boat and I grabbed a bus back to West Kensington.
And that's pretty much a quick rundown of my first week of the Easter break. Now I can finally get into 'Exam Mode' without feeling meh about it. I can't wait to see all the pictures and videos from "The Falcons' excursion to London".
Peace out
- Huang |
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